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A Woman's Guide to Pegging Men: How to Suggest It, How to Do It, and What to Use

One conversation my husband and I have all the time is about how much fun it would be to swap bodies for a day or two, just to see what it’s like. Obviously, the bulk of the time would be spent having sex or doing sexual things. We’d both love to know how it feels for the other person, having those opposite parts.

Myself, I’m fascinated by the intensity of his arousal, and how much he is driven by his lust. I wonder what an erection feels like, and what it is like to ejaculate. I wonder what having testicles is actually like, but more than anything else, I wonder what it is like to be the one doing the penetrating.

It’s fascinating to me because I know when we are having sex and I am melting and moaning I’m enthralled by his ability to do that to me. To have more control; to be thrusting and moving, and to be literally on top.

Luckily, that’s why pegging was invented.

Pegging, for male/female couples, is when the female uses a strap-on to have penetrative anal sex with her male partner. In other words, she has the penis-object, and he is the receptor.

This is a sex act that is getting more and more common, and more and more accepted but is still often seen as sort of taboo. The reasons for it being taboo are because it confronts nonsense ideas about masculinity and femininity, and shows clearly that a positive sexual relationship can have mutual power structures that aren’t bound by conforming gender roles.

Why is it getting more popular, though? Because it is a helluva lot of fun.

Pegging is an incredible way for partners to get to know each other’s bodies better, to establish trust and love, to play with roles, and to have a wild, sexy, kinky, amazingly good time together. If you are interested in pegging, but not sure how to bring it up, or where to start, or how to do it, we’ve got your answers. 

Pegging starts with a conversation. Where it ends is up to you...

Why Pegging?

Well, for starters, it feels great. The prostate is a huge bundle of nerve endings, and for the receiving partner, it can open up a whole new world of pleasure that they may have never experienced. The stimulation of the prostate can lead to a shatteringly powerful orgasm.

(Side note: it is irritating to have to point this out, but a male enjoying anal play has literally nothing to do with their position on the hetero/homosexual scale. One of the reasons pegging continues to be somewhat taboo is that there is a particularly vicious subset of homophobic “thought” that equates anal pleasures with being gay… and the unspoken assumption that being gay is bad, of course. This is ludicrous. It feels good, for everyone. Full stop.)

But pegging is more than just the physical sensation. Many women love pegging for the same reason I do: it’s a lot of fun to be in control, and to have the male partner be more vulnerable. Pegging can (and should) be loving and tender and obviously always consensual, but inverting power dynamics is a big part of its thrill.

Does it feel good for the woman? It certainly can. Depending on the equipment (like if you use a vibrating harness), the thrusting can stimulate the clitoris. And pegging doesn’t have to be the only sex act of the night, of course, but part of a full, mutually-pleasurable evening. Or afternoon. Or five-day sex staycation.

Pegging can be part of a healthy and satisfying sex life between two partners who care about each other’s pleasure and are willing to try different ways to achieve it. Yes, sometimes when I peg my husband it is entirely about his pleasure (and how turned on I get being in charge), but I know there are plenty of times when we spend hours on my pleasure.

That’s part of a mutually-satisfying sex life, and it is that kind of confidence and trust and love that makes pegging possible.

Bringing It Up

“So, I’m really interested in strapping on a dildo and pegging you...”

Because of the still-taboo nature of pegging, many couples are reluctant to have a conversation about it. The woman is usually worried if the man will think he’s being emasculated, or if she’s being too “powerful,” and the man will worry about coming across as weak. As we discussed, that’s nonsense. But the conversation still needs to be brought up.

Let’s be clear: for many couples now, especially if either party watches porn (or Broad City), pegging isn’t a new idea. Your partner won’t be shocked when you bring it up to him. And chances are, he’s thought about it. He may or may not be turned on by that thought, and may or may not have thought about it too much. But he’s probably heard of it.

So be honest. Tell him that you like the idea of being in control. Explain your desires, and how you feel about him, and how you feel about yourself. You don’t have to be shy about wanting to be the one doing the penetrating. You can talk honestly about your desires. Doing so is the heart of any relationship and the cornerstone of BDSM and bondage play.

He may resist. And it is important not to push too hard, too fast (during conversation or the act!). But putting the idea out there means it is something you can continue to explore.

It’s important, though, if you’ve never done anal play, to start slow. He may be understandably intimidated by the idea of having a big strap-on dildo in his behind. While there may be some cultural panic in that, there is also just the physical nerves. That’s understandable. So start with a finger, or anal beads or a butt plug. That’s a good way for him to explore backdoor play before the full pegging experience.

(There are also smaller dildos, which we’ll talk about below, so you can find whatever works for you.)

Chances are he’ll like it. If he’s reluctant, you can always try the “I just want to give you an amazing orgasm where I do all the work” card. That’s one that will get his attention, and can start the conversation.

Remember that it is a conversation, though, and there isn’t anything wrong with someone who just isn’t interested. No shaming, no badgering, if pegging is past his personal limits. But don’t be afraid to talk. You may both just need to work around some ingrained ideas before he’s ready to give some serious thought to pegging. And if/when he is ready...

A Pegging How-To Manual

Okay, so you’ve agreed that you are going to try pegging. So what are you going to do? Well, first you’ll need the right gear.

Pegging Toys and Tools

anal explorer kit
  • A strap-on harness. Maybe you’ve used a dildo or vibrator on or in your boy-toy’s butt before, but pegging is different. You have to really thrust from the groin. For that, you need a strap-on harness that can hold the dildo. It attaches to your body, leaving your hands free to do some guiding (all cocks, real or fake, need some guiding to enter and stay in place). A harness can be bikini-style, or it can be red and sexy, or it can be totally daring and bare.
  • A dildo. To simulate having a penis, you’re going to need a dildo that can attach to the harness. Dildos come in all shapes and sizes, and are less flexible than a real penis, so make sure you are choosing one that is a good fit for your partner. Shop together. If he has some mixed feelings, the fewer surprises the better.
    • A note on dildos: non-porous, waterproof dildos are ideal, since they will need to be cleaned, and it is much more sanitary to use non-porous.
  • Lube. Think you need lube? Double whatever you are thinking. We’ll get to how much below, but just make sure you have some. It will not work without it. Get good lube, and keep it handy.

As I said, when buying dildos, maybe try different sizes. Start small, and work your way up if you want. There are kits that contain dildos of varying sizes, all fitting onto the harness. That way you're not limiting yourself to one size, but also aren’t saying “It’s this big one or nothing!”

How To!

You might think I’m going to start with lube, but let’s take a step back. We’re going to do this step-by-step, starting at the top for those of you who skimmed down here. (Hi! You missed a lot of good stuff.)

  • Talk it over. No surprises, no shaming, no pressure. Both parties have to agree, and both have to talk about how they want to do it. Decide how you want to start: finger, small dildo, toy, or what. This should never be a surprise, unless it is a regularly-agreed upon part of your sex life. And even then, of course, the recipient can always say “not tonight, my dear.” 
  • Foreplay. This seems obvious, but if your partner is nervous, doing sexy stuff leading up to it can make him feel less so. Kiss him, fondle or suck him, have him go down on you, give you an orgasm first. Especially if he is feeling “unmanly” about it. Get in a fun sexy mood, with hormones raging and your horniness in charge. 
  • Sheets. Yes, anal sex can get messy, especially with lube (which you’re going to be using). Put down some sheets or towels under yourselves. You’ll both feel less self-conscious if you aren’t thinking about a mess. 
  • LUBE! Seriously, lube. Use some on the dildo. Use some on the butt, both cheeks, and the entryway. Remember you have towels down, so don’t worry about it dripping a bit. Believe me, you won’t be using too much. He’ll still feel it. 
  • Make sure the harness fits. Before you start, make sure the harness is positioned correctly, is tight enough to not slip, but not so tight it hurts you or restricts movement. Make sure the dildo is firmly attached as well. 
  • Start slow. Don’t go diving in. Start around the hole, and let him relax. Ease your way in, slowly. The tip at first, and then go in a little farther, and repeat. The sphincter is designed to stay tight when not relaxed, so let him relax. It’s hard to describe unless you have had anal sex before, but it feels natural once you start. Let him dictate the pace, and check in verbally. The first time might be more about trying things out and getting comfortable than wild passion. 
  • Enjoy! He may or may not be using his hand to pleasure himself. You might be doing the same thing to him, depending on your position and your arm length and inclination. Sometimes there doesn’t even need to be manual stimulation of the penis: the prostate stimulation is enough to cause ejaculation. 
  • Clean up. Wash the dildo with soap and warm water. Yes, there might be some fecal matter in the lube, but that’s normal, and if he washed up beforehand, there won’t be much. Regardless, wash thoroughly. Wash your hands as well. It is also a good idea to have a designated anal dildo, and not switch it between that and the vagina, even with thorough washing. 

Bottom’s Up!

So, now you know how to peg, but as much as I like writing about it, reading is no substitute for the lived experience. So go do it.

Maybe you are just now bringing it up. Maybe you two are exploring what it would be like to enact your femdom strap-on desires. Maybe you’ve made up your mind and are researching it. Maybe there was no process. Maybe you said “I want to peg you,” and he said, “Baby, bring it on!” No matter where you are, though, it should be fun.

Pegging, like all of sex, is about satisfying each other’s desires in a mutually consensual, pleasurable way. It is about trusting the other partner to explore without hurting you and to take each other’s needs and wants into account.

Pegging might be somewhat about reversing gender roles, and that is damn exciting. But at the end (ha!), it is about you and your partner, taking a journey together, and forging yet again your moaning, ecstatic communion.


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