So You Want to Go to a Kinky Party…?


Ever since Fifty Shades of Grey made its debut back in 2011, being kinky has become steadily more and more mainstream. More people than ever before are taking a chance, exploring their kinks, and discovering that whips, chains, cuffs, and paddles have a place in the bedroom.

For anyone new to the world of BDSM, going to a kinky party might seem like a great way to take a big, bold step into “the scene”. But the reality can be a little complicated. How do you find out about secret fetish events? How should you dress? How do you act? And what should you expect when you finally step through the doors?

Here’s how to get your kinky self out to a party, and have a great time while you do so...

It’s not like the movies

One important thing to keep in mind is that the BDSM scene in real life has very little in common with what you’ll see in movies or on TV shows. When it comes to popular media, kinky parties are usually portrayed as super-secret, exclusive affairs, populated solely by the wealthy and the handsome.

If that’s what you think the kink scene is like, you’ll be in for a shock. In real life, the BDSM and fetish scene is way more diverse. At any given party, you can expect to see a range of different body types, as well as people of hugely varying ages, and people practicing fetishes you’ve probably never even heard of.

What’s more – far from being snobbish and exclusive – the kink scene is actually incredibly friendly. Attend events in your local area on a semi-regular basis, and you’ll soon find yourself with a whole new set of friends.

Munches and parties

Parties aren’t the only exciting thing happening on the kink scene. There are also munches. These are low-key gatherings, often held in the public areas of local bars, where you can go to meet and make friends with fellow kinksters. At most munches there’s no kinky play, people dress in their normal clothes, and the conversation is mostly about everyday things rather than sex and kink.

Why might you want to go to a munch rather than a more exciting kinky party? The answer is simple: a munch is the best place to make friends. Head along to a couple of munches before your first party and you’ll easily get to know some friendly faces. Having made a few friends in the scene will greatly increase your chances of having a good time when you do head off to a play party.

On top of that, some of the best private parties aren’t well advertised, so having friends on the scene is the best way to snag yourself an invite!

Discovering kinky parties

Munches, parties, and other events are usually listed online. The way the kink scene is organized varies from place to place, but more often than not most events will appear on FetLife.

FetLife is a free social networking site for kinky people, and almost everyone you meet at munches or parties will have a profile on it. It allows members to communicate easily, discover events, and chat in forums without revealing their true identity to the world. And, since it’s completely free, there’s really no reason not to join.

Once you’ve made a profile, you’ll also be able to search for events in your local area. You might be surprised by just how many there are, and just how varied they can be. From “littles lunches” to full-on swinging parties, there’s something to satisfy just about everyone.

Behave yourself!

There are a few rules to keep in mind when attending your first party. Of course, rules vary from event to event, so always check the event listing for specific guidelines. Generally speaking though, here are some tips on how to conduct yourself when at a party.

Do dress the part. While kinky parties are usually very welcoming, they also often insist on fetish wear or fancy dress. This isn’t just to make life difficult for you – it’s to ensure that people have to put in some effort assembling a suitable outfit before they can attend. Many people like events with strict dress codes, since it means they can be sure that only committedly kinky people are in attendance.

No matter how interesting it is inside, don’t take pictures. This is a big no no; parties are places where kinksters can let their hair down and have fun… without worrying about their privacy. If you whip out your phone for a few quick selfies you’re likely to find yourself ejected from the venue.

Don’t touch people. This is a big one. While it might be normal to you to go in for a hug or a handshake when meeting someone new, you should restrain yourself when at a party of munch. Because of the nature of these events, everyone is very keen to respect boundaries – so always ask before touching someone, even casually.

And finally, do watch other people play if they’re doing so in a public area… but be respectful. Don’t butt in to their scene. Don’t disturb them by talking loudly nearby. And don’t try to join in, unless you know the people involved and have negotiated this first.

These rules are all in addition to the normal rules of polite society. Don’t get too drunk, be polite and friendly to everyone you meet, and don’t touch things that aren’t yours. Simple!

How to have a great time

Now you know how to find kinky parties, how to make friends in the scene, and how to behave when you attend an event. You’re all set to go and explore your wildest, kinkiest fantasies.

While it’s tempting to jump in head first, here’s one last piece of advice: take things slow. Go to munches first. Make some friends. Join FetLife. Do lots of reading. The kink scene is huge and fabulous, and you’re going to have an amazing time exploring it. It’s not going to disappear overnight if you take a little time to do some research first.